Protecting Your Peace: The Power of Setting Healthy Boundaries
Bring Peace to Self and Less-Anger and Frustrations
Are boundaries biblical? Yes. Boundaries keep us from getting out of balance. Otherwise, becomes a doormat for abusive people to wipe their feet on.
- Do you feel guilty for setting boundaries?
- Do you try to please all people and make them happy when it is impossible to please all?
- You never wanted anyone to be upset with you?
- Have you been severely hurt by others where your heart feels like it is bleeding?
People without boundaries think we must always put up with abusive behavior. In Matthew 5:39 it says,
"If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also."
This is avoiding fights. People without boundaries take it to an extreme. People without boundaries would say - Yes, in a heated moment, turn the other cheek to avoid escalating it into something worse. If you have someone in your life who regularly hits you with their cruel words, it is time to stop getting close to them. Set boundaries.
Personal boundaries define your identity. They are how much you value yourself, believe, need, or feel.
In relationships, boundaries define one person from another. Boundaries prevent us from trying to control others and prevent others from controlling us. We cannot change anyone; we can only change ourselves.
Boundaries range from a simple "no" to a restraining order. If a person violates the boundaries, allow them to suffer the consequences.
Are Boundaries Biblical
God set boundaries in his creation when God gave Adam and Eve boundaries to not eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil (Gen 3:23-24).
The Bible teaches that we should respect other people's boundaries. Deut. 19:14 says, "You shall not move your neighbor's boundary mark, which the ancestors have set, in your inheritance which you will inherit in the land that the Lord your God gives you to possess."
Since boundaries are biblical, why do so many of us struggle with setting boundaries? Let's look at some misconceptions of boundaries.
1. Misbeliefs about boundaries - I'm being selfish and unloving
2. If I set them, will others get upset
3. If I set boundaries, I will hurt others
1. I'm being selfish.
We are commanded to love others. It does not mean allowing others to hurt us. Loving others does not mean giving them all they want. Do you give your children everything they want?
Some people feel guilty about setting boundaries or even being selfish. No one can make you feel guilty without your permission. Yes, some people will get angry but realize it is about them, not you.
2. Others will get upset.
Fear that you may upset others. Would you allow people to abuse and hurt you? Maybe you are a stuffer, but the outcome is that you are angry. It is saying yes to people out of fear. Fear is controlling and is the opposite of peace and joy.
Yes, others may get angry. Why fight or defend yourself. We must learn to back away and talk sensibly. Someone who gets angry is reacting to some pain from their past. Their anger is trying to control you. We cannot control how others respond to "No."
Boundaries test the quality of our relationships. The people who love you will respect your limits. The people who turn on you or leave you have never loved you. You cannot make someone love you. There are manipulators and controllers. Boundaries protect you from them. If people abandon or attack us for having boundaries, yes, it's better to learn their character now than live with it forever.
3. I will hurt others
Good boundaries do not control, attack, or hurt others. Saying "no" to someone may cause temporary discomfort. It helps others to respond correctly.
As you develop boundaries, you will have less anger in your life. People with mature boundaries are the least angry people in the world.
Some people believe you must be available to them at all hours if you are a minister. Good boundaries allow you to rest. Jesus took time to relax.
Healthy relationships require boundaries:
Are you protecting yourself from harm, either emotionally or physically? Then, you are setting good boundaries. Some people will twist your words and think they have the right to abuse you. Some people believe they have the right to confess their sins because of their need. We all react out of the pain of something in the past. Those are negative emotions of reaction. We must be proactive.
If someone is upset and abusing you for something they believe without asking questions about what you meant, then back away. Tell them when you can cool down, and we can discuss. There is no need to defend yourself. It does not work. That is healthy boundaries. It is walking away from a heated situation. The fact is, they have a problem. Something must have been triggered. You can say, "Are you ok, or is there something deeper that we can talk about or pray about?"
This is taking control without reaction but a good response. Pull away if they are still yelling and unwilling to talk. Tell them that you cannot engage during this heightened situation. We have to be responsible for ourselves and allow others to live theirs. Realize this person is triggered by something in their past. It is their problem.
If they are willing to discuss, ask why they thought about your response. Boundaries limit destructive behaviors, will save marriages, and help in healthy parenting.
Setting boundaries in children helps them to set boundaries later in life. Healthy boundaries are to make sacrifices for people when appropriate, but never in a destructive manner.
Being Christ-life means saying "no" in unselfish, helpful ways.
By: Traci MorinTouch of God Ministries - a Healing and Deliverance Ministry - Setting the Captives Free from Demonic Bondage, Curses, and Strongholds
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